We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He called his prostate his "boner button".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
