Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize