I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
