I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
