dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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