Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
