Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
