I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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