its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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