matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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