wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
