the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
