Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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