I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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