What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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