he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
