He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
