idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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