I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
