doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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