I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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