i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
