just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
