whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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