dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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