I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
