sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
