Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
