"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
