What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
