I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
