I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize