saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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