I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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