I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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