Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
