I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
