if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
