The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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