You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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