Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
