Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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