I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
