Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
