if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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