hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
