I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
