dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
