What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize