I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
