My hair reeks of homosexuality.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
