3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Panties = found
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
