I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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