So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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