One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
